Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love

Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love is a couples' communication workshop at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California, led by Warren Farrell, PhD. It is held over four days and is open to couples of all genders and sexual orientations. It suits partners who want practical tools for sustaining love once the early rush of falling in love has settled, and it is also used by many health professionals in their work with clients and patients.

The starting idea is that falling in love is biologically natural, while sustaining love is not. This workshop treats that as a matter of art and discipline, and teaches it step by step.

What to Expect

You begin by learning to appreciate your partner so specifically and frequently that they feel fully seen and loved. From there, you practice hearing criticism without becoming defensive. Before a concern is raised, the listener learns to prepare themselves to associate the criticism with a chance to be loved more deeply. The aim is that nobody has to fear "walking on eggshells" before speaking up. Farrell presents this as the next step beyond active listening, which helps the person criticizing feel heard but does not teach the listener how to feel safe receiving the criticism.

The practices you can take into daily life include:

- Six methods for sustaining a "conflict free zone" for 166 of the 168 hours in a week.
- A "Caring and Sharing Time" for the remaining two hours, using six mindsets that ease defensiveness.
- The "Eleven Wisdoms" as a foundation for deepening love.
- The four depleters of love, the "Four C's": Criticisms, Complaints, Controlling and Complacency.
- Ways to use these skills with children, parents, work colleagues and people you differ with politically.
- Music and dancing to revitalize your love, practiced by dancing before each session.

The schedule begins on Friday with an orientation, "How to Drop into Esalen," from 5:00 to 5:45 pm, and the workshop opens from 7:15 to 9:30 pm. Saturday and Sunday each have a morning session from 9:30 am to 12:30 pm and an afternoon session from 3:45 to 6:15 pm, with evenings left open for personal integration and optional campus activities. The final session and closing run on Monday from 10:00 am to 12:00 pm, and guests depart after lunch.

After the workshop, Farrell offers free, ongoing group follow-up calls to help resolve stumbling blocks. A Zoom and book version of the course can be purchased if you want to review the insights and exercises later.

About Warren Farrell

Warren Farrell, PhD, has coached couples and psychologists in couples' communication for the past 30 years. The Financial Times chose him as one of the world's top 100 thought leaders. This workshop is the foundation for his 2024 book, Role Mate to Soul Mate, and additional video content is available on his website.

The Setting

Esalen Institute sits on the Big Sur coast, and the workshop can be taken with an on-site stay, an off-site stay or as an individual day pass. On-site lodging ranges from budget sleeping bag space and shared bunk rooms to private rooms, premium rooms with ocean or forest views, and wooden yurts with private decks. Some rooms are suited to partners traveling together, such as the Standard Two Beds room.

Meals are served in the dining hall: breakfast from 8:30 to 9:45 am, lunch from 12:30 to 1:45 pm and dinner from 6:00 to 7:30 pm. Access to the hot springs and campus features is part of an on-site stay.

Travelers should check current Highway 1 conditions before arriving. At the time of the organizer's notice, access to northern Big Sur ran on twice-daily convoys at 7:00 am and 5:00 pm, the only times to travel in and out.

Before You Go

The workshop is designed for couples, and no prior experience is mentioned. An on-site stay includes the workshop, housing, three meals a day, coffee, tea and snacks, hot springs access and open-schedule classes. Massage and other healing arts sessions, specialty coffee, tea or alcohol from the bar, and bookstore purchases are extra. A scholarship application is available for those who need one.